When you read the title Condom Monologues you may recall Eve Ensler’s famous Vagina version or picture a large talking condom on stage behind a microphone.    

Yes, Condom Monologues is empowered by Eve Ensler – only here we want to provoke discussion specifically around what “safer” sex means in ways relevant to people’s diversity.  Condom Monologues is an independent media start-up (four members and growing) whose mission is to provide people of all sexualities a new way to access frank and honest information. It’s sex education through real life storytelling, and everyone can share their experiences.

Everyone Has a Sex Ed Story to Tell 

Our collective began back in 2008 when my partner and I launched the website out of frustration over boosts in world-wide abstinence-only mandates (recall the Bush Jr. era and the Pope denouncing condom use).  At the time, I was enrolled in an HIV/AIDS course and interning at a support group for sex workers. Condoms and access to them was spoken often.  Even more common was witnessing the real consequences of shaming through education:  Stories of stress and depression, low self-esteem, physical and sexual abuse, bullying, threats at school, attempting suicide, drug use to cope, unwanted pregnancy. In both spaces, a lot of energy was spent beyond condoms and correcting sexual health (dis)information for many queer and trans peers whose experiences are blatantly excluded or pathologized in sex ed curricula.

Venting my rage to others it became more apparent that nearly everyone- straight, bi, cisgender, trans, whatever your identity – has a bad sex ed story and it is not limited to the classroom, but also with medical health providers. The consequences of bad sex education affect everyone. So we thought: Why not create a sex positive medium where real life stories and safer sex info can be shared and discussed easily and stigma-free?

The Values of the Collective

The Condom Monologues collective believes the age old ritual of sharing stories invites more nuanced understanding of each other and one’s self. The idea is to go beyond politically correct advice that, for example, centralizes condoms and dental dams (if dams are even mentioned!) as the end-all be-all of safest sex and those that hate using protective barriers just have to deal with it. Human sexuality, relationships and what drives choices are much more complicated than that. Serious problems warrant honest discussions about context. As much as we want, this resource won’t include everyone or everything, but we are trying to be as inclusive as possible which means constantly improving and expanding the online archive.

Where We’re at & Where We’re Going

The website was set up and stories started accumulating but the project went on the back burner when other needs and priorities took over members’ lives. Graduated and free from the clutches of gender studies, I am now rebuilding Condom Monologues with my partner and some friends and expanding the collective to include people across the internet culture. Anyone can join, anonymous or otherwise, and be storytellers, media makers, sex activists and critics. The one thing that is censored and moderated is harassment or hate talk that might occur in the comment sections or stories. We are dedicated to keeping CM sex positive, which means a safe non-judgmental space. Thus we take our bully-free policy very seriously and heated dialogue is monitored by our admin.

The website is live and content is expanding from 4 core categories: Monologues, Activism, Safer Sex Advice, and Condom Guides. Companying our collective blog where people can read and write real life condom stories (and other safety practices), we provide articles about safer sex advice and extensive lists of external resources, updates on safer sex education and activism in the news, STI and disease prevention and challenges, LGBTQ social justice issues, interviews with sex positive professionals, safer sex technology, product reviews, condom guides, size charts and factsheets. Content is written by adults writers who range from sex educators, social researchers, gender studies and sexuality geeks, and socially conscious entertainers.        

As part of our Monologues feature, we have recently launched our LGBTQ-Logue series which posts weekly mementos – real-life stories, manuscripts, or excerpts from books, newspapers, blogs, to radio, film, TV and more – about sexual minority issues and social justice.

We are a young archive with many goals to become a viable resource and story-making space.  Our goals in order of importance are:  

1) To increase members and contributors globally and work with non-profits/small business sex positive allies.

2) To solicit as many safer (and not so safe) sex stories as possible and share stories using the most effective means as possible (whether that’s interviews, first-person stories, audio shorts, video and animation).   

3) To establish a sturdy and viable feedback channel for people to share advice, and state educational wants and needs.    

4) To publish and spread original and helpful sex positive content with as big a variety of resources and outlets as possible.

5) To find sponsors for Monologues projects and generate income to help pay for site maintenance, moderating, and original research.

Our website is building. It’s not there yet but it’s getting there. We are seeing real meaningful and important responses to our work and we’re liking it. We have our limitations and we are open to suggestions and criticisms. Do you have any suggestions for how we might improve ourselves in general?  

We want to collaborate with other Sex Positives and Sex Geeks. If you are interested in becoming a part of this collective or want to connect with us for whatever reason, please contact us at admin@condommonologues.com or me personally at LaraWor@gmail.com.  You can find us on twitter@condommonologue and like us on facebook.com/condommonologues.

Photo credit: visit www.condommonologues.com

Xaverine Bates is the founder of aGender, an organisation that aims to educate young people about sex and relationships by challenging gender stereotypes through creative media, particularly drama and performance. We spoke about her motivations for setting up the project and why an alternative model for Sex & Relationship Education (SRE) is needed.

What was your impetus for setting up aGender? It will teach teenagers about sex and relationships in a more fun, memorable way. Which other projects inspired you?

aGender was formed after riart Grrrls & Hastings Women’s Voice teamed up to organise a flashmob for One Billion Rising as part of Eve Ensler’s global campaign to highlight the growing problem of violence against women. Over 100 local women came to Hastings Women Rising  and the discussions that arose on the rG facebook page afterwards showed a desire to do something concrete in the local community, which would educate young people about the fundamentals of healthy relationships, sex and sexuality.

So far we have been inspired by the work of Tender, which addresses issues surrounding domestic violence, with a focus on healthy relationships through drama workshops with secondary age pupils. Their youth project coordinator, Marie Horner, is advising our project and came to our last focus group meeting to share her expertise.

What will the workshops involve? Are you working with local artists, musicians and actors?

The project is still very much in its infancy and we met for the third time on 18th May. The group so far consists of Personal Social Health Education (PSHE) specialists, youth workers, teachers, sexual health specialists, artists and writers. We will be working with local artists, writers and actors, who will lead the projects and will be applying for funding for the appropriate training. We are currently forging links with other groups in the local community and have invited various youth groups to be involved. We are also in discussion with Claremont Studios in Kings Road, St Leonards, in setting up a pilot project, which will consist of a series of workshops to complement an upcoming exhibition. The workshops will be exploring the phenomenon of sexting & cyber-bullying amongst local teenagers and its damaging effects. We will be engaging in our first training session in May, led by one of our focus group members, an actor with extensive experience of leading workshops through drama around the themes of sexual health.

What’s the feedback been like so far from local schools?

We are in discussion with the PSHE coordinator at one of the local secondary schools, who is very keen to be involved with aGender. We hope to invite pupils to join our steering group to ensure that the project addresses a real need in their lives i.e. reducing sexual exploitation and sexual violence by challenging gender stereotypes through creative media. We will also be approaching other secondary schools, including the Hastings & St Leonards Academies.

If it’s successful would you like to franchise it in other areas? Has your local MP offered support?

Our local MP Amber Rudd is very much on board and I met her recently to discuss the project. She was part of a cross-party focus group led by Labour MP Stella Creasy to bring the lack of insufficient SRE provision in schools to Parliament to coincide with One Billion Rising on 14 February 2013. The motion passed without a vote, which has mobilised them to continue to fight to bring SRE back onto the agenda. She was all for the project and offered her support once funding has been secured to link us with secondary headteachers to get the project off the ground. I would definitely like to franchise the model if successful, so watch this space!

How will you fund it – charity status?

I have applied to UnLtd, an organisation dedicated to helping social entrepreneurs, for initial start-up funding and mentoring advice. I have also approached HVA, who are advising me as to the best structure to set up aGender in order to apply for core funding. We also plan to trade with local secondary schools by offering a tiered package, which will include tailor-made peer-led projects such as creating a film on a topics such as sexting, gender representations in the media, exposure to pornography etc, which could be used within the school to educate other year groups on the subject of sex ed. Once it is established as a legal entity, we will research the best ways to fund the project e.g. Big Lottery, Arts Council, Hastings Borough Council, East Sussex County Council, Global Fund for Women, NHS, and Children in Need.

What are your views on the recent budget cuts to sexual health services? 

I follow all sorts of blogs and websites, which explain the effects of insufficient SRE in local schools, such as the Sex Education Forum and the PSHE Association. There have been numerous articles in the media recently, highlighting the effects of insufficient SRE and the damaging effects of early exposure to pornography on young people, such as this one, which discusses the death of 13-year-old Chevonea Kendall-Bryan and the debate on the sexualisation of the young. As for the damaging effects of cuts on local services and SRE education in schools, which is a non-statutory subject within PSHE (Personal Social Health Education), there is a petition to write to your MP about this if you’d like to offer your support. 

Tell us a bit about riart Grrrls – the feminist arts collective you set up. What are your plans for this year and how can women get involved?

riart Grrrls came about because I woke up one day fed up with the increasing amount of misogyny in our society both locally and worldwide and wanted to do something about it.

Discrimination against women takes many forms: in controlling the means of reproduction, an argument which the second wave feminists fought for in the 1960s and 1970s but which is now under threat again in this country and the US; through the media, with endless depictions of unhealthily skinny models and women depicted as either passive victims or ruthless harlots (the virgin/whore dichotomy); and most lately in the media, through gender-based violence seen in cases such as the Delhi and Steubenville rapes and rape as a tool of war in countries such as the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Gender stereotyping starts before birth, when parents are forced to choose between pink princessy outfits for their girls and rugged superhero outfits for their boys. As the mother of a four-year-old girl, I have been bombarded by this stereotyping and became dumbfounded by the lack of consumer choice for parents and the implications of going passive pink or active blue. Various inspiring campaigns, such as PinkStinks and feminist blogs such as The f-word, The Vagenda and feministing kept me going in the dark days before setting up riart Grrrls. I decided that through creative media, we would be able to challenge these insidious gender stereotypes, which harm both men and women, and explore alternatives which explode the gender binary.

We are in the early stages of planning Hastings Ladyfest 2014 on International Women’s Day (8^th March 2014), which will raise money for a local women’s charity. This year we organised Domestic Disturbance in collaboration with the School Creative Centre in Rye, which raised over £500 for Hastings & Rother Refuge. The Ladyfest model is a “community-based, not-for-profit global music and arts festival for female artists that features bands, musical groups, performance artists, authors, spoken word and visual artists, films, lectures, art exhibitions and workshops; it is organized by volunteers.” Anyone can join riart Grrrls: just find us on facebook to join in the discussion.

We can’t eradicate porn, but what we can do is offer an alternative model of sex education through schemes like aGender and makelovenotporn (Cindy Gallop’s online initiative to offer a realistic, relationship-based model of porn). How will you approach the issue with your own daughter when the time comes? 

That’s a really hard question to answer, but I’ll definitely hope to improve on the sex ed I received as a young woman. This consisted of a Catholic handbook, given to me rather awkwardly by my mum aged nine and one very embarrassing Biology lesson aged about 14, which didn’t really cover much ground at all. I’m already teaching her to question gender stereotypes through alternative fairy tales (many of which can be found at A Mighty Girl) but I’m already looking for all sorts of resources once those awkward questions arise a bit more frequently. She has asked me about the basics and I’m gradually gearing myself up to more detailed answers, so I’ve just ordered a bunch of books from A Mighty Girl to brace ourselves for some open and honest discussions about the birds & the bees!

Join riart Grrrls on Facebook

Hastings Women’s Voice

Contact Xaverine: xaverinemabates@gmail.com

Photo: www.sexualhealthscotland.org.uk

I came across the Swan collection at this year’s Eroticon and was offered one to review. I’d not heard of the brand so googled them to find they sell an award-winning range of pleasure products. They’ve won several awards for their design: Best Product Line in Europe and Luxury Toy Line of the Year in North America. I counted 21 neon pink vibrators in their online store so plenty of consumer choice…

They say: 

The award-winning Swan collection is the world’s first range comprising of completely-silicone covered products that offer 100% end-to-end usage with approximately 70% more play area that the traditional vibrator. That means a more deep and powerful vibration spread over a greater surface area, leading to a more flexible product with a greater range of possibilities for pleasure. Swan offers versatility with independent speed controls and a seamless design. These specialty vibrators are astonishing. Rechargeable, waterproof, and 100% silicone with super-charged all speed motors; Swan reveals the advanced sophistication and amazing strength of the PowerBullet™ technology.

I chose the Silver Swan – a mini Rabbit style vibe, as it looked cute (fits into the palm of my hand, curvaceous and lightweight). It feels sensual and is nicely packaged in a heavy white box with a black satin storage pouch and various international adaptors, which made me smile. I will be taking this toy away with me for a dirty weekend, and why not?

It takes three hours to charge so I plugged it in and went out for the evening (another quirk: it has a cheeky bottom – plug in the charger and you’ll know what I’m talking about…Once charged it will last for six hours so plenty of action for bath and bedtime.

There are lots of Rabbit vibes on the market – they shot to fame after being endorsed by Samantha on Sex and the City and over the last 10 years the quality and variety of sex toys has improved vastly. My first Rabbit was lurid pink, smelled terrible (it was cheap jelly rubber) and gobbled up AA batteries. I dread to think how much I spent on it during our brief love affair so these days, rechargeable toys are a must. 

The trend seems to be geared towards more complicated, expensive toys with various functions, speeds and buttons. Not a bad thing since high-end vibrators only need to be bought once and they make a lovely gift, but sometimes the choice is overwhelming and I don’t feel like spending my time reading instruction manuals before I use something.

The Swan collection is different and its strength is simplicity. They have asked consumers what they want and integrated this into the design. There are two buttons to power each motor (one in the shaft for internal use and one inside the ears for external use). Press and hold to increase the power and press again to turn it off quickly. That’s it. I like that you can power each motor individually and there’s no compromise in vibration if you have both motors on simultaneously. 

There are no random patterns/pulsations/settings to navigate, which I don’t have the patience for anyway. On/off is all I need at a high (deep) intensity. The depth of the vibrations is the main thing I look for, as this is what makes me come.  Both motors are equally powerful and though it’s not the quietest toy, I didn’t mind given the strength and depth of the vibrations. Stand next to the speakers at a gig and it’s the same effect: you feel it through your entire body. Use any part of the toy externally for clitoral stimulation (the base works as well as the ears) and you can use it internally for g-spot play as well. 

I also appreciate how light it is – my left hand is buggered with joint pain but holding this was fine – no aches and pains – which is often the case with bigger, heavier toys.  

I’m looking forward to exploring more of the collection. 21 vibes is a lot of variety and I’m intrigued as to why they’ve made so many and what the difference is between the models. I like the humour too – ‘Clutch Swan’ anyone? Yes, it’s a jiggle ball not a handbag but could pass for one… The Royal collection too, fit for Wills & Kate, is on sale at Coco de Mer.

The Swan collection is available at Annsummers.com, Simplypleasure.com, Pulseandcocktails.co.uk, and other fine retailers.

Features:

• Powered by PowerBullet™ – the most powerful vibration on the market
• 100% premium silicone – hypoallergenic and phthalate-free
• Rechargeable
• Waterproof and fully submersible
• All-speed independent vibrations – you choose the intensity
• Instant on/off with ‘travel lock’ function
• 10-year guarantee

For more info on the brand, see Swanvibes.com.

Nikki Awesome’s alter ego DOLLS is a by product of a commercial pop career gone awry. We spoke to her about the inspirations behind own brand of dark, dirty pop and the gender politics of the music industry.

What were your inspirations for embarking on a music career? Tell us a bit about your journey so far from Canada to London.

I went to FAME school, played guitar and had an unhealthy affinity for snatching trashed vinyl (they used to put milk crates full of records out by the bins, and I was attracted to a lot of 80′s cover art), further developed by an even unhealthier affinity for too many late nights out with all the wrong people in all the right outfits (or was it the other way around?) In any event, the drugs were good.

I signed a singles deal with Warner, released two commercially-charting singles, did some press, played some shows, toured with Flo Rida, dealt almost exclusively with misogynistic assholes, threw some $5 bills in people’s faces, had my record stolen, got pissed off with it all and essentially left Canada two minutes after the MMVA red carpet.  I came to London to run out the end of my sell-off period, learn production, re-launch and say ‘fuck you’ to everyone. Pretty standard, really.

You used to work in fashion and your style is very glam with comparisons to Kylie and Madonna. Which designers do you admire and where do you shop?

I used to describe my style as sort of a Kawaii 1940′s Judy Jetson – I love spandex/sparkle/rubber/fur (bad vegetarian).

I have a hard time shopping because I find many shops go full-out ‘on trend’ which is annoying. I don’t like feeling like my personal style is being dictated by buyers, and it’s sometimes so random - like they’ve got this Spice Girl-esque vision of “okay we’re doing SPORTY now” and I’m supposed to be carrying a football around like a Zoolander parody. I hate the IKEA-ness of high street fashion – it’s like recognising your furniture on Come Dine With Me.

I do love my WAG-wear: Gucci (s/s 2013 makes me so happy), Louis Vuitton, FENDI has some shoes and handbags that I would do cruel and unusual things (to someone else) for. I love beautifully constructed garments, and I’ll pick up a lot of vintage pieces as well – there’s a shop on Kings Road I feel partially responsible for keeping in business, and my friend has an amazing shop called House Of Vintage just off Brick Lane, the actual best picks. I’ve been in his showroom and been tantalised by floor-length Gaultier trenches and 1980′s Ungaro. I can literally go in there and say “I want to look like Brigitte Bardot performing on a cruise ship” and come out with high-waisted Chanel trousers or the dress that everyone compliments for the next decade.

I’m not above ASOS either. I pick up a lot of Vero Moda or Zara stuff, then shred and rework it, and I love mixing really shit clothes with super high-end stuff – so I’ll dip into Primark for a £2 vest and left-handedly write NIRVANA on it; next thing you know it’s a staple. Wardrobe solved.

Three words to describe your personal style…

Plastic Post-Futurist Glamour.

Fave lingerie/hosiery/shoe designers?

Nichole De Carle, Coco De Mer, and I won’t shun La Perla. You can’t really go wrong with Wolford, and as far as shoes – YSL (Yes, I know, but I’m still in denial about “St Laurent”) for stacked platforms, Miu Miu for wedges, Dior for a biker boot.

Secret Sulk is a fantastic, sexy album. ‘Better Half’ has been described as a ‘break-up’ song and ‘Pretty’ – a darker song about fake breasts and free drinks. You like to play with words so it requires a careful listen.

Thank you! I’m obsessed with the idea of ‘love song love,’ an intangible concept of a sensual dopamine lullaby – except it doesn’t really fit with my experience.  So when I write I find I’m more inclined to spit out bitterness, jealousy, betrayal in the style most singers would deliver a ballad.  Tracks like ENEMY LINES and TASTY which musically sound ‘love song-ish’ come out cynical and a bit twisted, whereas PAYMATE (the only actual love song on the album) is sweet and sadistic, to be self-referential. “True love forever” comes out like a typo: ‘you complain about me being a bitch and spending all your money, but we know you secretly love this.” ERASE YOU was written in a post break-up Mommie Dearest moment. You don’t realise how much you’re haunted by exes until you delete someone from your life, then have to micromanage the social media fallout – it was like “oh my God - just fucking disappear already!”

I adore the idea of something perceived as innocent or beautiful revealing very sharp teeth. NOW NOW and CHAMPION explore the naiveté that’s consistently been assumed of me, as though I was this inexperienced Disney princess direct from the industry machine.  It’s intolerable for me to accept that paradigm when it couldn’t be further from the truth; I wasn’t manufactured by a label, I wrote everything I performed and most of the time (still) nobody knows what to do with me or how to deal/sell it. Either in music or in life.  I may have been reincarnated as a Gucci-wearing Barbie, but I’m still the same girl who was ostracised for shaving her head and pairing men’s clothes with drag makeup in a teenage protest against gender roles. As I result, I resent the implication that I’m somehow experientially deficient because I don’t make the effort to buy into the taxonomy of easily digestible, ‘one size fits all’ music genres, scenes or styles.

Who inspires you?

Nine Inch Nails, Madonna, New Order/Joy Division, David Lynch, Eric Stanton, LCD Soundsystem, Peaches…I could go on but we’ll be here forever.

Seen the new Bowie exhibition yet?

NO. I can’t get tickets. I think I need to stand outside and protest or something.

Tell us about the London Fetish Fair gig in July – what will you play?

I’ll be debuting new material off my 2nd EP, pretty vicious cynical synthpop. I just posted a track called WATCH & LEARN on my Soundcloud account to launch dollsxx.com (where you can find me posting and pouting), ”I want a pet, I want an appetite to whet my obsession – your attention, please.” Oh and I’ll probably play on your heartstrings, too.

Buy the album ‘Secret Sulk’ here.

Bio-curious? Check Nikki out here. 

Words: Clarice Clique
 
These are all simple but life changing things that I quietly suspect most normal people know inherently, but for me they were revelations that came to me through the process and exploration of writing.
 
1.      The power of the imagination

I often get asked how much of my writing is inspired by own life. The real unglamorous secret is that for me, and other people I know, erotica came out of loneliness. Writing can be the most beautiful and wonderful escape from reality. Our creative instincts are an incredible release from the mundanity of everyday life. From a slightly messy bedroom in England I can travel to to an intimate embrace on a Caribbean beach, where I can feel the grains of sand rubbing against my skin and hear the thumping of my lover’s heart. Or I can truss myself up in a darkened sex dungeon to be used by numberless strangers.  There are no limits and no repercussions.

Which leads me to the next point...
 
2.      Some things are better in the imagination

You have to try them out before you know this of course, but it’s good to be aware that something that is perfect in your mind might not be so ideal once other people are involved.

On the other side, sometimes an experience that you can’t fully enjoy at the time through nerves or a sudden moment of self consciousness, can be relived mentally with the focus on the beauty and excitement of what you’ve done.
 
3.      The joys of being alone

Writing is generally a solo experience, you have to learn to live within yourself. There is an incredible calm and independence to be found in being alone. I am not denying that there are occasions when I’ve rushed downstairs to answer the door to salespeople and have had prolonged chats about guttering with my neighbour. But there is an internal and external happiness to be found in your own company. Not least in learning how to touch your own body, not just in the quick-rabbit-vibe-on-full-power kind of way, but in stroking and caressing and completely knowing yourself.
 
4.      The importance of all senses

Writing sex scenes made me focus on the intricacy of what goes on in my character’s minds, of every sensation they feel, and the pattern and developments of their desires. Two work colleagues meeting unexpectedly in the park, the first moment their eyes meet, the scent of freshly cut grass, the barely noticed birdsong, are all as important as the moment when they’re naked in bed, the air is heavy with sweet sweat, and the only sound they’re aware of is each other’s breath.
 
5.      Patience

I always thought I was a patient person, but when I look back at my first attempts at erotica it is all of the wham-bam variety. There is always a place for the five minute quickie, but over the years I’ve become much more satisfied as a writer and a reader when I know the characters, seen their dilemmas and watched them earn their literal climax. Inhabiting my creations and allowing them to anticipate and wait for their release, has translated into my own life. I am much more willing to accept things as and when they happen and enjoy the smaller moments in life instead of always looking towards the bigger events.

Clarice Clique dreams of all the things she’s done and all the things she’d like to do. Some of these dreams make it into stories and some of these stories make it into print.

Writing and reading erotica is her preferred way to spend a day. But she can be too easily distracted from her work by an internet addiction which means her brain is over brimming with facts about obscure television stars and that she is very good at many free online games.

Her work can be found in many anthologies, and her latest novel, Switch is out now and focuses on one of her favourite areas of sexual exploration, BDSM.

Find out more at her website and get to know her on Twitter at twitter.com @Clarice_Clique. More on Clarice’s writing here. 

Words: Meryl Cubley

We’ve all heard the research that indicates the infamous novel 50 Shades of Grey is responsible for the UK’s biggest baby boom in 40 years; but boutique gym and lifestyle centre, Sound Mind and Body, based in Newcastle, says it’s not just racy literature that’s getting people in the mood.  

Regular exercise not only helps to manage weight, strengthen bones and bolster good mental health, they say, but it also does wonders for your sex life.

The trainers at Sound Mind and Body suggest there are four key elements required to perform at your best in this particular field: Flexibility, strength, endurance and core stability.

Flexibility allows you to get into tricky positions and strength is key to being able to hold those positions for lengthy periods of time, whilst endurance can mean the difference between a three-minute sprint and a 13-minute masterpiece; and strong core stability can help prevent injury at that crucial moment.

A healthy approach to your diet and lifestyle habits can also help to spice up your love life. Make sure to visit us again soon, when we follow up on this with a feature focused on food – and how a yummy tummy can turn you into a horny honey!

So, back to the grind – and just as top athletes train specifically for their particular sport, Sound Mind and Body has provided us with their ultimate top 50 tips on how you can become a sexual athlete.

Let’s get down to the nitty gritty shall we!

1. Increase testosterone (M)
It’s a proven fact that exercise helps to raise testosterone levels in males, leading to a stronger physique and better bedroom sessions.

2. The Squat (M&F)
From regular to one-leg, squats are essential for any standing positions and also help to produce testosterone.

3. Press ups (M&F)
A classic exercise to help strengthen the upper body – a fundamental part of the missionary position.

4. Confidence boosting  (M&F)
Regular exercise helps to keep you looking fit and in shape, so you’ll look better in your boxers and neater in that negligee and feel all the more confident for it.

5. Ball squeezes (F)
This is a great one for the inner thighs. Tone and function in one easy exercise.

6. Deadlifts (M&F)
These are especially useful when you want to sweep your partner off their feet and carry them to the bedroom.

7. Calf raises (M&F)
Very important for that final few inches while standing!

8. Get more zzzs… (M&F)
Exercising regularly helps to promote natural sleep and getting seven to eight hours of decent kip a night increases testosterone levels so you’ll be ready to perform at any time. 

9. Circuit training (M&F)
Using high-intensity aerobics, circuit training helps build strength and muscular endurance – just what you need for a night of steamy passion.

10. HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) (M&F)
Performing very high intensity intervals for a short period of time followed by a period of rest, this is great for building up your endurance so you can go all night!

11. Tabata (M&F)
Tabata combines circuit training and HIIT, not only is this great for improving endurance, it also helps to reduce body fat.

12. Kegel exercises (F)
Ladies, this exercise involves repeatedly squeezing the pelvic floor muscle (the one that helps you hold your pee in) which increases libido by creating sexual energy flow and helps you to enjoy stronger orgasms. Whoopeeeee!

13. Nutrition (M&F)

Not only does a healthy balanced diet do wonders for your waistline when partnered with regular exercise, but many healthy foods can increase your sex-drive. Check out our favourite foods from 14-19. However, if fruit and veg aren’t your thing. Check out Yaeyama Chlorella – a whole table of veg in a few tiny pills.

14. Chilli (M&F)
Scientifically proven to affect your libido by mimicking arousal, quickening the pulse and stimulating the release of endorphins.     

15. Avocado (M&F)
Avocados contain high levels of folic acid to give you more energy. They contain vitamin B6 and potassium – two elements that help increase libido in both men and women.

16. Asparagus – although Samantha from Sex And The City may disagree (M&F)
Research indicates that asparagus contains foliate, which is necessary for histamine production and histamine is necessary for both males and females to reach orgasm.

17. Bananas (M&F)
Bananas contain the bromelain enzyme that increases libido and can help reverse impotence in men. Potassium also prevents cramp.

18. Celery (M&F)
A great source food for sexual stimulation as it contains androsterone, an odourless hormone released through male perspiration and turns women on.

19. Dark chocolate dipped strawberries (M&F)
A seriously sexy snack! Chocolate can be beneficial if consumed in moderation as it contains phenylethylamine, a chemical that produces the feeling of being in love, plus dark chocolate has anti-oxidants to help maintain the immune system. Or just melt the dark chocolate and get creative…

20. Physio ball (M&F)
Invest in a good physio ball to strengthen all of the muscles in the core, including the abs and back, and challenge balance, stability and overall co-ordination, all of which are key ingredients for a good fuck.

21. Pelvic tilt (F)
This is quite a difficult one to get the hang of but once you do it can make a big difference to your sex sessions.

22. Shrugs (M)
Basically shrugging whilst holding weights – very important if you want to be able to hold your partner whilst standing.

23. Back extension (M)
If you’re going to spend any amount of time with your back arched or lifting with your back you’ll need this exercise to strengthen your back muscles.

24. Get your Om on (M&F)
Create a union between mind and body and help with both flexibility and strength to prepare you for any bedroom activities with yoga. These are our favourite poses (25-33):

25. Sun Salutation (M&F)
Start with this sequence of 10 flowing poses to improve the flexibility of the muscles and spinal column.

26. The plough (M&F)
This lengthens the spine and relieves tension in the upper back whilst helping you to focus.

27. The pigeon (M&F)
A great yoga position for opening out the hips and also helps with blood flow to the groin.

28. Wide leg straddle pose (M&F)
Helping to strengthen ankles and legs whilst developing flexibility in the hips and groin area.

29. Plank (M&F)
This is a good pose to help build core stability and strengthen arms and shoulder muscles.

30. Standing inner thigh stretch (M&F)
A position to strengthen leg muscles and a great pose in which to practice breathing exercises.

31. Lotus position (M&F)
This position helps to calm the mind and lighten your mood whilst opening out the groin muscles.

32. Bridge (M&F)
This uses your entire body, helping to develop upper body muscles whilst acting as one of the most beneficial back bends and increasing spinal flexibility.

33. Cat/cow (M&F)
A position that will get the hips rotating and the back flexible whilst stimulating the core and muscles around your spine.

34. Holistic therapies (M&F)
As well as exercise and nutrition, there are a number of natural remedies that are renowned for increasing libido and getting you in the mood. Our preferred holistic methods include (35-38).

35. Meditation (M&F)
Often the libido is lowered because we can’t relax and enjoy the moment as we are trapped in far-away thoughts, so incorporate meditation into your daily routine to help you unwind and live in the present moment.

36. Full body massage (M&F)
Exchange massages with your partner at home or go for a couple’s massage to improve, muscle recovery, blood flow and sexual arousal.

37. Tantric Sex (M&F)
This has stood the test of time and is endorsed by many celebrities. Remember that infamous Sex And The City scene?

38. Give an Indian head massage (M&F)
Indian head massage is a fantastic way to relax and clear blocked energy channels. The head, neck, ears and mouth are all one big erogenous zone – some people also like a bit of hair pulling.

39. Straps and Cables (M&F)
There are some great exercises using leather straps, cables and rubber. We’re sure all budding Mr Greys will have some of these lying around.

40. Hip extension (F)
Standing on one leg with a leather strap around the other move the strapped leg back a little using your bum. Good for balance and great for your bum.

41. Hip abduction (F)
As in tip 40 but moving your strapped leg out to the side – this will give you a bum to die for.

42. Gym environment (M&F)
Men and women in tight-fitting workout-wear, surrounded by mirrors, grunts and moans and the mild scent of sweat and massage oils in the air can, believe it or not, all boost arousal. Just try to keep your hands off each other until you get back home!

43. Lose the smoke, not the fire (M&F)
If you’re a smoker quit. It causes the blood vessels to narrow, decreasing blood flow to the sexual organs. Plus no one enjoys kissing an ashtray.

44. Naked exercise (M&F)
Maybe not in your local gym – it would definitely get you noticed and probably arrested! This is more one to try at home. Why be restricted by tight shorts or underwear? Get back to how nature intended.

45. Foot fetish (M&F)
Even to those who don’t admit it, the feet are among the top erogenous zones in males and females, as well as being the foundation for most exercise. Try exchanging foot massages and keep your tootsies looking tasty by treating yourself to a pedicure now and then and visiting a chiropodist.

46. Suspension training (M&F)
To increase your core stability try some classics like press ups, pull ups and tucks while suspended from straps attached to the wall, bars or even a tree.

47. Vibro Power Plate (F)
A vibrating piece of gym equipment, this is definitely one for the ladies. No description necessary…

48. Gym speed dating (M&F)
If you’re a fan of speed dating, what better way to meet a fit partner?

49. Music for the soul (M&F)
Don’t underestimate the power of sound. We all know how a good music can motivate you to workout. It certainly worked for Rocky. A recent study “Science behind the song” revealed music’s relationship to romance and seduction. Experiment with different sounds to create a sexy playlist for that post-gym workout.

50. Retro romance (M&F)
Good old-fashioned tenderness is the final key to igniting passion – after all where would we be without stories of true love? Eye contact, embracing and kissing, as easy as it may sound, help to conjure up feelings and make your body more responsive during sex. Combine this with the gym environment and we could prove Darwin’s great theory – ‘Survival of the fittest’.

For more information on changing your life through weight loss, exercise and nutrition visit www.soundmindandbody.co.uk or call 0191 280 9274.
 

Back at Rio’s

Only ten minutes to go. I look at the clock: 12.50 p.m. At one I grab my briefcase and my jacket and tell my receptionist, a pretty young blonde girl with a penchant for heavy-metal music, ‘I have a meeting in town. I’ll be about two hours.’

Within minutes I’m off the grotty main road and removing my clothes in the changing room before heading into the sex zone – Rio’s. There are two naked black guys sitting in the Jacuzzi. The bubbling water is covering up most of their bodies, but I can still tell one of them is quite overweight. He reminds me of a laughing Buddha. The bubbles can’t disguise the blubber around his neck and flabby arms. The other guy is slim, muscular and hot. He’s clean shaven, including his head, and I see fantastic biceps and can make out the beginning of a sculpted chest. He has big dark eyes and a welcoming face. I walk closer to the Jacuzzi to get a better look, because I’m not wearing my glasses and want to make sure my eyes aren’t deceiving me. No, I think, he really is very hot. I walk up the steps to the Jacuzzi, take off my towel and step naked into the water. I’ve found my target.

Sometimes people aren’t friendly in spas. It might be a matter of taste – You’re not my type – get lost. Or it might be territorial – This is our room, get lost. I’ve seen guys spread out in a Jacuzzi meant for six, not to mention sex, so that it’s impossible for anyone to join them without sitting on a foot. They’re just rude. Luckily, these boys are in a friendly mood; otherwise it might have been a challenge to find a way to initiate a conversation with the handsome one.

‘Thought you normally came on a Wednesday,’ the fatty says.

‘Yeah, I do, but couldn’t get away from work this Wednesday,’ I say. ‘I do come on other days, you know’.

A couple of minutes later, the laughing Buddha announces he’s off to the sauna, leaving me and the hottie in the tub together. I’ve got a little over an hour to get this guy into one of the relaxation rooms and have an orgasm. It shouldn’t be too difficult. I position myself so I’m directly across from him.

‘I’m Sam,’ he says. ‘Suzanne.’

‘Nice to meet you, Suzanne. I haven’t seen you here before.’ ‘I usually come at Wednesday lunchtime,’ I explained. ‘As you heard. This is the first time I’ve been on a Friday.’ I look meaningfully into his eyes. ‘I’ll have to come more often.’

We discuss what we do for a living. He’s a property developer with a sideline in making corporate videos. He is sweet and relaxed and I like him instantly. A few minutes more of this casual chit-chat passes, then I say, ‘Fancy going upstairs?’

‘Really? Wow. Sure.’ He seems surprised, perhaps taken aback that I’m so direct.

I’m in.

I learnt that the direct approach usually works. As my mother taught me, ‘If you don’t ask, you don’t get.’ She was talking about a waiter bringing us an extra round of bread. I learnt to adapt that advice to satisfy my needs. When you’ve only got an hour to get laid, small talk is a waste of time.

This is an extract from Suzanne Portnoy’s erotic memoir: The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker, published by Black Lace Books and available to buy here.

Words: Suzanne Portnoy

1. That the men that are attracted to women that have had over 100 sexual partners aren’t usually the type of guys you want.

2. That over sharing my sex life with my children when they were growing up would lead to them being straighter than I could possibly imagined (in a good way!).

3. That in retrospect I was very lucky that I didn’t end up dead or raped when I agreed to take part in a number of extreme sexual scenarios.

4. That finding a partner who would accept me as I am and not as the cartoon character I became was never going to be easy, but not impossible.

5. That being a celebrity (of sorts) is fun for a while but having to appear in disguise all the time is tedious.

6. That despite the Daily Mail suggesting at one point that my kids needed therapy to work through having me as a mother, they actually turned out remarkably well adjusted. Having said that, we have had some astonishingly frank and very funny conversations now that they’re adults!

7. That a decade is quite enough time to explore one’s fantasies. Any longer is just self indulgent!

8. That it’s a crap shoot whether or not you end up with a publicist that likes you and wants to help promote your book; women can be incredibly judgemental.

9. That some men will sleep with you just for the ‘erotic memoirist’ notch on their bedpost.

10. That if you don’t end up with at least one stalker, nutcase or guy who just won’t go away, you’re doing something wrong.

Suzanne’s erotic memoir The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker is published by Black Lace Books and available to buy here.