Mike Lousada has established himself as the ‘go to’ man for the latest thinking about female orgasm and other sexual problems. His work helping women, sometimes traumatised, sometimes emotionally fragile – or simply frustrated – overcome sexual issues has been covered extensively in the media. He has brought sexual healing into the mainstream and encouraged many people, including those in the medical and therapeutic professions, to take female pleasure seriously.
Much of his time is focused on helping women, but what advice would he give the modern man about the best way to please a woman? Rude’s William Wood poses some questions…
We know that sexual response differs in men and women. The accepted view is that women take longer to get aroused and stay high for much longer afterwards; men get aroused quickly, but when they climax it’s game over. Does female sexual response fit this classic model?
Everyone is different but typically, yes.
And if most women do fit this model, what can men do about it so that they can better meet their partner’s sexual needs?
Sexual energy tends to have the feeling that it wants to “go somewhere” (i.e. towards orgasm). It’s interesting that most guys spend a lot of time thinking about sex, wanting sex, having sex, fantasising about sex, and so on…but when it comes to it, it’s almost as though they can’t wait to discharge that energy by having an orgasm. So, I would say slow down and savour each moment. Don’t rush towards the finish line. It’s not a race – otherwise the people who came fastest would be considered the best at sex!
How does ageing affect our sexual response? Does it take us longer to reach an orgasm? And how might men adapt their sexual style?
As we age, our sexual response slows and in many respects softens. Orgasms may become less intense, arousal may take longer and so on, but that’s all right because our energy levels slow down too. We can’t have sex at 50 the same way we did at 20 – but we can learn a more subtle and deeper way of having sex, which is actually more satisfying.
Why do you think men have got such a bad press when it comes to sex?
Men have been allowed for way too long to get away with selfish, bad sex. Women are starting to speak up more and say what they actually want. So guys, we had better shape up.
Do you sense that men are getting better in the bedroom in recent years?
I think there’s more awareness out there that sex is an art form, not just a mechanical process. Sadly too few men seem to take a real interest in learning the art. And when women start to ask for what they want, those men are going to lose out, big time!
Can you give us three key tips for improving our sexual skills?
Make sure you’re in tune with your woman – don’t get lost in your own sensations and desires.
Slow down – don’t rush to the finish line.
Let the energy build up, take time, enjoy everything around sex. The anticipation can be at least as pleasurable as the sex or an orgasm.
Is it usually best if men orgasm after their partner has reached a climax?
Unless men can separate their orgasm from their ejaculation (which takes practice) or they are willing to re-engage with their woman after they have come, it’s probably easier to support their partner to orgasm first – but they should not make it the “goal” of sex. Remember that her orgasm is exactly that – HERS. You don’t give her an orgasm, she decides to let herself have one. So don’t feel bad about yourself if she doesn’t orgasm even if you really spend time on her.
There has been a great deal of emphasis on clitoral stimulation in the last couple of decades, does this lessen the importance of penetration?
Pleasure is what’s important mostly in sex. What gives you both most pleasure and how you can expand that experience is more the issue rather than focusing on a particular type of stimulation. This is way more important than what you do.
Should men encourage their partner to have more than one orgasm? Or is once really enough for most women?
Encouragement is fine but don’t let that turn into pressure. Ask her what she wants and help her get it and then she’ll be even more appreciative of you. Every woman is different and even the same woman is different from one day to another. Just because she wanted multiple orgasms one day doesn’t mean she wants it every day. Check in and see where she is.
Are men’s sexual expectations of their partners (and indeed of themselves) too often unrealistic?
Porn gives guys some pretty misleading ideas – that every woman is up for any type of sex at all times, that women always come from penetration (in reality 70% don’t regularly orgasm through penetration alone). Porn also gives men unrealistic images of what they “should” do – have endless staying power, come like a fountain, be constantly hard, and so on. All this is just performance. Move away from performance towards pleasure and you won’t go wrong.
How can men give women a fantastic tantric massage? What tips/resources would you suggest?
Tantra emphasises the importance of the whole body as one giant erogenous zone. Don’t become obsessed with the genitals. Go slow, let the energy build up from sensual to sexual. Women generally love slow sensual massage, so try that. You can even tell her that you’d like to give her a massage and NOT have sex – that’s pretty much guaranteed to get her wanting sex once you’ve caressed her whole body lovingly for an hour without even mentioning having sex!
And finally, what do you think should be the main attributes of the ‘modern man’? What skills and values should we have?
Presence is key. If you can really just be fully present with your woman, she’ll melt. Sexual techniques are all fine, but presence is the most important thing a man can bring to his woman. It’s also important to learn to dance between strength and sensitivity. Most women don’t want a floppy new age wimp. They appreciate some masculinity and potency, but don’t let that override your sensitivity to where she’s ‘at’. Feel your woman and respond to what you feel in her. Sex is like a dance where both people are simultaneously leader and follower.
For more on Mike’s work as a Psychosexual Somatics practitioner see his website.