The art of phone sex: how to talk dirty

Jobie Summers recently asked me to review her new book about phone sex. It’s called The Pleasure is Ours: Increase Your Intimacy and Ecstasy with Phone Sex, and she was inspired to write it after finding herself in a long-distance relationship. Phone sex can be a little taboo and not something we really talk about so her aim with the book is to offer a framework for couples to develop their own erotic scripts. As she points out, seven million couples in the US alone are in a long-distance relationship.

It’s a fun, 15-minute read and I enjoyed it. There’s a three-step process to help you improve intimacy and she explains the dos and don’ts of phone sex, how to deal with awkward silences, and how to handle the giggles. She describes how to open and close a sexy conversation, and how to use your breath to enhance intimacy. There are two juicy scripts for ‘Adam and Eve’ inspired by her own chats with a long-distance lover. She suggests using erotica as a starting point if you’re both feeling shy, or need to make the transition from work and play.

How to talk dirty: “You need a good intro, a good close, and something juicy in the middle.” (Chapter 2) and “Frame your opening line as a question – offer an invitation to pleasure as we respond better to questions than statements or demands. (The same principles apply to Tantra). Don’t have a goal in mind or be orgasm-focused. Just be authentic and have fun.

She points out that it’s sometimes easier to say things over the phone than in person, and suggests that you just go with the flow and see what happens. Use phone sex to spice things up, deepen the connection, and role-play any fantasies you may have.

It made me think of the 1995 film ‘Conversations with Other Women,” which focuses on the chemistry between a man and a woman at a wedding party (Aaron Eckhart and Helena Bonham Carter.) We’re privy to an intense conversation with lots of flirting and small talk, and learn that they used to be lovers but are now both in relationships with other people. It has a great script and really draws you in.

Want a taster? Read an excerpt of Jobie’s book here.
Listen to her podcast with relationship coach Julia Armstrong.


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