1. That the men that are attracted to women that have had over 100 sexual partners aren’t usually the type of guys you want.
So how did a nice woman like me end up writing filth?
I see myself in the dock, facing the judge and having to answer his question. How did a nice middle class, middle-aged woman like me end up writing lascivious copy? I can’t even pretend that my debut novel is a bodice ripper in the traditional sense because I used some very frank language and also the sex scenes went on for pages. I didn’t hide behind the euphemisms normally employed to soften text. I did not have my heroine have a ‘between her legs’ or ‘lady garden’ and I didn’t have my heroes have ‘throbbing manhoods’ or ‘sabres’. I called a phallus a phallus and a vagina a vagina. Actually, I used colloquialisms instead, including the quite harsh words such as ‘pussy’ and ‘cock’. And I had them doing some very descriptive things – did I mention these couplings went on for pages?
“Mum, is tea ready? Where are my pants? What are you doing?”
This is usually the point at which I give up trying to think up a new word for ‘cock’ (there should so be a thesaurus purely for people who write about sex) and slam the lid of my computer down with a frustrated groan. And not the sort of frustrated groan that can be enjoyable, oh no.
The life and loves of Seaside Belle… Surely these things should get easier in our 40s? Not in the muddy waters of online dating… And so my dip into the waters that are ‘Plenty of Fish’ online dating comes to an end…and with one noticable exception (Yes, you! I was a fool to let you ...
We all get crushes on older people, from celebrities such as Helena Bonham-Carter, David Bowie and Johnny Depp.
Some of my friends even confess to having crushes on actors like Alan Rickman.
For me, I think my first older crush was my English teacher. His name was Mr Bannister (James as we later found out, Jim to his friends).
I was in Year Seven.
He was so handsome – tall and slim, with a small dusting of facial hair. He was incredibly intelligent, and opened my eyes to what the world is really like: it can be incredibly cruel, but there is beauty everywhere.
I had a love of Gothic fashion at such a young age. I distinctively remember drawing a character for one of his short stories. The girl had eyes with black make-up, chains hanging from her skirts, striped hair and thick boots.