Words: Girl on the Net
Submissive feminists (strong in life, submissive in bed)
My boyfriend calls me a ‘slut’. He calls me ‘dirty girl’ and ‘whore’ and sometimes even ‘bitch’. He hits me with riding crops and ties me to the bed and uses me like I’m barely human.
But he doesn’t have all of the power. Why? Because sex is just one element of a life made up of everything – work, holidays, going to the pub, playing Xbox together and joining forces to kill all the zombies.
People ask me if being submissive means I have low self-esteem. They ask me whether I feel like I need a man to be in control because I’m either not capable or not worthy of making decisions. Asking that shows that the questioner knows nothing about me, or about submission.
Submission isn’t a ‘giving up’ of anything. It’s a strong and powerful proactive desire to have someone do hot, angry, painful things to you. If my boy calls me a whore in the bedroom I’ll call him ‘sir’, and melt with lust. If he calls me a ‘whore’ in the pub I’ll call him a twat and make him get the next round in.
People can be bloody stupid sometimes, but I’ve never met a man so stupid that he thinks just because I obey him when it makes me horny to I’ll obey him all the time. He still – much to his annoyance – has to take his turn doing the washing up. He still has to listen to me rant if I’ve had a bad day at work, and take me out for dinner on my birthday. And although the bedroom stuff spills over sometimes, although he might whisper dominant filth into my ear when we’re on the night bus on the way home, we both know that it’s always a choice. He does it because I like it. Almost as if my wishes were his command.
There are couples who do this 24/7 of course – almost every decision is made by the dominant one, and acquiesced to by the submissive one. But even in those situations the submissive isn’t powerless. She’s not a meek and feeble weakling who has handed her free will to someone else for them to toy with. She knows, and he knows, that although he can make decisions and bark orders, he can only go exactly as far as she wants him to go – no further.
It’s the same with me. I can be whipped and beaten and held down and called a ‘whore’, but the boy who is doing it knows that – despite what he growls sexily into my ear as he bends me over a desk – he can only do it with my permission. He’s doing it because I want it.
And if that’s not power, I don’t know what is.
‘Girl on the Net – My Not-So-Shameful Sex Secrets’ is available as an ebook from www.carinauk.com RRP £6.99, Amazon, ibookstore, Google play, Kobo and all other etailers.
Check out the blog from Girl on the Net too – a single woman’s journey through sex & relationships.